“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
英语
“你有没有注意到，开车比你慢的都是白痴，比你快的都是疯子？”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
英语
“想想普通人有多蠢，然后意识到还有一半人比那更蠢。”
“People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a "common purpose." Because pretty soon they have little hats.”
英语
“人是美好的。我喜欢个体。我讨厌一群人。我讨厌有"共同目标"的一群人。因为很快他们就会戴上小帽子。”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.”
英语
“我跟自己说话的原因是，我是唯一一个我接受其答案的人。”
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
英语
“有些人看到现实问：为什么？有些人梦想从未有过的事物问：为什么不？有些人得去上班，没时间想这些。”
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
英语
“如果你试图失败，但成功了，那你到底做了什么？”
“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.”
英语
“我拥有和教皇一样大的权力。只是没有那么多人相信罢了。”
“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”
英语
“每个愤世嫉俗者的内心，都住着一个失望的理想主义者。”
“But there's a reason. There's a reason. There's a reason for this, there's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never, ever, ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got. Because the owners of this country don't want that. They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking.”
英语
“但这是有原因的。有原因的。教育如此糟糕是有原因的，而同样的原因决定了它永远、永远、永远不会被修好。它不会变得更好。别指望了。满足于你已有的东西吧。因为这个国家的主人不想要那样。他们不想要一群具有批判性思维能力的公民。”
“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
英语
“永远不要和白痴争论。他们只会把你拉到他们的水平，然后用经验打败你。”
广泛误归于卡林和马克·吐温名下。这一思想可追溯至《箴言》26:4及类似谚语，没有实质证据将其与卡林联系起来。
“Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”
英语
“不要只教孩子们阅读。要教他们质疑所读的内容。教他们质疑一切。”